At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
