I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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