WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
