you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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