Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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