Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
