I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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