dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
