He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
