it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
