Sorry, I don't speak sober.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
