Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
