Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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