After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
