the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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