I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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