Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
