So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
