and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you will always have a special place in my vag
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
