STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
