god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
