I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
vagina is talking i cant
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
