A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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