we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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