He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so let's talk penis.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
a search helicopter?!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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