Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Someone signed my nipple.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize