I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
