I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There's always time for handjobs
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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