All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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