is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Pooping to opera.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
