It was confusing and full of hummus
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
