Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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