Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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