Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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