If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
