if i can run in heels then i can drive
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
