My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
