In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
