i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
