two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
