those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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