He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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