I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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