walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
