it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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