I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
