yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
