I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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