i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
