Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
