i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
