when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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