this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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