im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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