I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize