my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
