Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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