I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
