I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
